Aussies Living Simply

Tough love

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 70 total)
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  • #423585
    ShellBelle
    Member

    I got a pretty rough upbringing with no boundaries. At 13 thought I was all grown up and at 14 moved out. I did, and saw, some things that a kid that age should NEVER be exposed to.

    I see the parents and families of the prisoners at work, and then hear other officers say that these guys never had a chance. Its all a load of bull, I survived and became an quality member of society because of my experiences.

    #423586
    Chezza
    Participant

    We uped the family time when my 2 big boys hit the mid teens…. Our motto is “keep them busy and keep them out of trouble”…. We went to all DS1 footy games, which were from one end of the Sunny Coast to the other and also ate at the footy club most Friday nights… The boys could socialise, play pool, kick the footy around and meet girls without it being too strict but also there were adults everywhere happy to tell you when your kid has doing something wrong….

    We were also lucky to have a few boys in our neighbourhood that kicked the soccer ball around in the street… There were also a few girls but they would all congregate outside our place as we had a seat height retaining wall and no streetlight so I knew what was going on… :tup: These kids would go on regular toad quests to see how many they could all get in one night….

    We still had some trouble at times but nothing major…

    #423587
    donnamac
    Member

    Morriske wrote:

    It was only when I had children of my own and they started asking to do the things that my Mum always said no to, that I realised why she always said no. And my kids respond exactly the same way I did.

    Only thing is that these things are happening so much earlier. I wanted to do sleepovers when I was 13, they want to do them when they are 5!!

    Other Mums are happy to have their kids stay away overnight and have kids stay with them. Really makes me look like the mean Mum because I won’t let my kids. But I just don’t think 5 year olds need to be staying away overnight unless it is with Grandma and Grandpa.

    Makes you wonder what demands these other kids will be placing on their parents in the years to come, having had even this freedom so early…

    That was one thing that shocked me when I had kids. How much time kids spent at other kids houses, and how keen the mothers were to get rid of them.

    I find my daughter in particular, is wanting to do things so much earlier than we did; boyfriends etc.

    I try to pick my fights and not stress the little stuff. They do have firm boundaries though. As my children are just turning 15 and 13 we have a long way to go.

    #423588
    ali_celt
    Member

    Ahhh chezza even tho I HATE sport mostly, I really wish DS1 was into it. Into something, at any rate.

    When he was a bit younger he did scouts, and it was fantastic. All the venturers (older scouts) went on the camps with the younger ones and they were such amazing role models of young adults – they would still goof off with the best of them but they NEVER crossed any lines (not in front of the littlies anyway).

    Then we moved house, when he was 11, and he decided he didn’t want to start in a new scout group and a new school all at once. The old scout group was 2 hours drive away so we couldn’t make that work.

    And then soon after he turned 12, he moved out of here and in with his dad. I feel at that point like I lost all control of how I wanted him to be. Because he wasn’t here! And because he didn’t do sport, and I worked weekends, even the weekends that he WAS here meant he sat in his room playing playstation and watching movies. All weekend.

    Now he’s moved back in with us, a year and a half later, and it’s REALLY hard. He doesn’t have any hobbies or likes that don’t involve staring at a screen, although he did enjoy painting Warhammer figures for a while he refuses to be taken down to the local hobby shop to PLAY the game with the other young men there. No chance of him getting back into scouts now, it’s too UNCOOL.

    I just don’t know what to do with him. We have let him win one major battle, which involves him staying at the highschool his dad put him into. It’s a complee PITA to be honest, it means we have to drop him at the train station at 7 in the morning (20 mins drive one way from here) and pick him up at 5.15 in the afternoon. And if he misses ONE bus – he doesn’t get home til 7 at night.

    I don’t like it at all, there’s a perfectly good highschool here that would mean he’s get on a bus at 8 from out the front of our house, and get home at 4 – again out the front of the house. BUt he tells me he’ll refuse to go there, needs to be with his friends, and if we make him go to the other school he’ll get into drugs and end up OD’d in a gutter. CHarming I know.

    Having said all that – staying at his school is his current condition for behaviour. I’m not accepting his big-talking threats about what he thinks he’ll do if he changes – but I am insisting that if he stays there, he catches the RIGHT bus home every night, and applies himself to his work – and doesn’t get suspended AGAIN for wagging school and drinking.

    At this stage, I can only HOPE the ‘threat’ is real enough for him. I think he understands how much easier it would make our lives if he did change schools, which might help. Argh.

    OMG longest post EVER on ALS….

    sorry peeps, guess I had to get all that off my chest!

    #423589
    Kaff
    Member

    Oh Ali, :hug:

    My only experience with teenagers is teaching other people’s. One group of these were young offenders from 11 – 14 yo. They were really, really tough and taught me soooo much. One of my teaching mentors used to say “don’t worry about puberty, its an ugly box, if a kid is lovely before they go into the box they’ll be lovely when they eventually come out, it’s the basics of their underlying character, not the hormones and pushing boundaries, that counts” Twenty years later I often see kids we taught then around the place as adults, some with their own children now – and she is always right!

    FWIW during the day we spent here with Nick I came to really, really like him. He must have been bored, there was little for a teenager to do, but he spoke nicely to me, he tried to be interested in everything, he climbed that ruddy great hill and was very kind and loving with his little brothers. I hope this, as an outsider’s POV, gives you some hope. He’ll be alright. Has he dyed his hair black yet? 😆

    ETA missing words.

    #423590
    Chezza
    Participant

    Staying at his old school would be sooo stressful!!! For every member of the household!!! They would be looong days for your DS and even loonger weeks… I reckon he would be overtired and stressed just getting through each school week!! :rip: Maybe that is half the trouble with his behaviour, he is overtired and overloaded time wise just getting to and from school…

    As he gets older and is spending hours waiting for buses and trains it would be easy to get in with the wrong crowd….

    Imho I would hauling his ass to the local school where he could make friends there…. Would have more time to do things with his new friends and the family as a whole would be a whole less stressed…. It would take a little time to adjust but the sooner he changes school the better for him… :hug:

    Plus the stress you must be under would be enormous atm. Trying to do what’s best for him and dealing with his behaviour at the same time would be very hard on you as his Mum…

    Looking back, once the adjustment period is over, he might just thank you for it!!!!

    :hug::hug::hug:

    #423591
    becca
    Member

    My experience with teens is teaching them too – and I’m with Kathy on this one. Even under all that hormonal angst you can tell those who have the support and a two-way respect thing going with their parents/ guardians, and that they will be OK in the end. I remember saying to M one time, “My god, they’re so obsessed with sex! I can’t remember thinking about sex that much!” and his reply: “You weren’t thinking. You were obsessed with sex too – nothing to do with your brain!”

    It’s particularly hard, though, when you haven’t had the continuity in your relationship at home with him. I really feel for you here, Ali – hang in there! Only a few more years to go (oh dear, when I put it that way, it probably makes you feel worse! 😆 )

    #423592
    Diddlie
    Member

    Ali what a worry this must be for you, I have a 14 year old too and he is not doing too bad at the moment, he had a bad couple of years in yr 9 & 10 but seems to have woken up and seen the light, my 10 year old however sounds just like your lad and I can see a few battles in the years ahead. Be consistent and fair and try to treat him like a young adult would be my humble offerings of advice.

    #423593
    Herbman
    Member

    Ali-celt – If it’s any help: In 2006 my DS put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. We thought the suspensions from school, the visits to the principal, the trips to the cop-shop, the violence, the absolute gut-wrenching nastiness would never end. I almost walked out the day he hit me (that happened after the knife incident).

    In 2009 I can barely remember that angry young lad who made our life hell. I can see through the pain and frustration and fear to the reasons behind his behaviour. He tells me that he loves me and he said that he’s sorry.

    Nothing anyone says will make it easier, my friend. But knowing you are not alone, that you are not doing anything wrong, and that it’s okay to look after yourself and that it will be okay might help a bit. :hug:

    #423594
    ali_celt
    Member

    Well after yesterday’s efforts, which involved me having to rope a friend in to drive me around at night with the 2 littlies in the back seat falling asleep with no dinner yet trying to FIND him, it’s all over red rover.

    We have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to enrol him at the local highschool. It’s scaring the crap out of me, tbh, because i know this decision (which he was FAIRLY warned about, constantly and consistantly reminded of, and had it laid out IN WRITING as a consequence!) is going to go down like the proverbial sack of poo.

    I’ve already had a call from his school today to tell me that he’s refusing to do ANYTHING in class other than goof off, because “what’s the point, I’m not going to be here much longer anyway”. And I’m expecting that tonight will be another case of having to go and find him in the dark somewhere.

    Things are going to be absolutely AWFUL around here for the next few months. So if I only come online to vent about what he’s done this time – bear with me.

    I keep running it all over and over in my head and can’t for the life of me think what I could have done differently to make this work out for him. But I think I need to accept that it was HIS decision, in the end – he broke the rules, therefore the consequences are happening as clearly stated. That’s not MY fault – that’s him not taking responsibility for his own behaviour. Right???

    Doesn’t stop me feeling sick to my stomach about what is going to happen next. I keep watching those bloody missing person’s shows on tv and think – my kid could be the next one on there, as a teenage runaway, some of the reasons they have for leaving are tiny compared to what he’s gone through this year. I can only cross my fingers and hope that he realises I’m not doing this to spite him, i don’t WANT him to be away from his friends – but there are 5 people in this family, not just one.

    Ali

    #423595
    marigold
    Member

    Hmmm! Chezza suggested he might be finding the travelling a bit much.

    Perhaps this is his way of ‘agreeing’ to go to the local school. Without having to change his mind and admit you were right?

    This way he can still be resentful that you made him do it and keep his aggrieved feeling, teenage boys seem to love being able to blame you for everything:|

    Fingers crossed that things will become easier – at least the family organising should ease a bit now :hug:

    #423596
    Anja
    Member

    Oh Ali. You poor thing. You are doing the right thing. If you back down he will know he will always get his way. It is really tough, I know, but stick to your decsion and he will have more respect for you in the long run.

    #423597
    Chezza
    Participant

    Don’t watch the missing people shows… Watch “The World’s Strictest Parents” tomorrow night….. What ever happens you are so right about being more people in the family than just him…

    Driving around in the night trying to find him is just aweful for you, Ali… Especially if the kids are tired and hungry…. And worrying about him as well!! Hopefully these are the worst days and things get better soon for you all!!! :hug::hug:

    #423598

    Ali, if you have laid out the rules and the consequences, and he is now having to deal with the consequences then you are doing him a favour. The main reason so many kids go off the rails is because the ‘consequences’ never happen – their parents weaken at the critical moment and so the kids get a god-complex. The feel themselves untouchable and just go on getting nastier. Go with it. If the behaviour worsens, then set another consequence, and make sure you carry it out. When my dad used to whack me with the wooden spoon he used to say ‘this is hurting me more than it is hurting you’. He was right. The emotional pain a gentle parent feels when their teenager rebels is terrible. And the only way you and he can get through this and still have a workable relationship is for you to stick to your guns. Give in now, and he will be bludging off you, and threatening you, for the rest of creation. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!! Believe it!

    #423599

    hillbilly girl wrote:

    When my dad used to whack me with the wooden spoon he used to say ‘this is hurting me more than it is hurting you’.

    One of our parents got that saying wrong, And I’m pretty sure my dad was right, boy it hurt a lot 😐

    Tis true tho, consistency in discipline is the only way. And I was always warned what would happen if I kept doing what I was doing. I did learn the concepts of consequences pretty quick.

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