December 27, 2009 at 9:47 am #250933
Is it all right if I just blurt all this out and let it lie? Might help me if it’s off my chest (nobody else around to tell it to…).
The long story involves a 9 year old son the victim of his father’s frequent loss of temper and constant nit-picking and aggro. No physical violence (for the past several years) but intermittent nastiness, unpredictable and inconstant mood swings etc, and our son is rightly frightened of his dad. We also have an autistic daughter who’s only 6, very severe, no speech or toilet training, but a gorgeous huggable girl. So far I’ve tended to overlook serious issues because it’s so hard for all of us if the family breaks apart; for instance one person on their own can’t possibly look after our girl. Now I’m inclined to leave her with him and let him finally take on the onerous task of finding services for her (which up to now I’ve done on my own).
There are other reasons to leave her behind (in case anyone feels I’m doing something terrible). The few services we do have are set up in this area. Oddly, my husband, while unpredictable and at times explosive, seems to actually like her in preference to his son, and after 6 years of having her a lot on my own while hubby works, or taking up his slack, yet being slandered by him for not earning a decent income (decent meaning above 30k in his view), I feel I just have to change my priorities for a while. Later I may take her back or come to some other arrangement. Hope this makes sense.
So here’s my present plan, though after 10 years of being dutiful at helping to pay off a mortgage I’m hating the idea of having to rent… But please feel free to comment if you want to, even if it’s to tell me what you did when leaving a difficult partner with children in tow.
1. Rent hovel nearby, farm dog out to sister, take son and necessities only.
2. Maintain family links and ask for their support for the short term, e.g. help with son to adjust to new life (though family lives a long way away… not sure it will work).
3. Come to some care arrangement regarding daughter, but not to start until I have income set up and know likely hours so I can arrange respite/care if possible…. Otherwise, inform DADHC/DOCS about situation with out of control husband and likelihood that he will need their support and assistance to look after our girl for the short term (longer term arrangements still uncertain). Sorry this is so wordy… Thinking as I type.
4. Reduce disruption to son by keeping him at same school. (Ugh, high rent area. But closer to possible work than staying with family.)
5. Get onto recent work prospect in new year and don’t take no for answer.
6. A few months on, arrange sale of house and proper split of proceeds so I can buy a new home for myself and son. Hopefully by then I’ll have a decent income (after 10 years of having children and earning very low income). Maybe also rethink daughter care situation depending on how things are going.
So this is it so far… Please let me know if it sounds like I’ve got full insight, or am a bit too stressed to be making sense. 🙂
Thank you for listening, whether you reply or not. 😀December 27, 2009 at 10:01 am #448539Eira ClaptonMember
Chooken, my heart goes out to you. So much to deal with. Congratulations for putting it down in writing – I am sure that this in itself will let you see it more objectively.
There is a beginning of a plan here and that is a start.
What you need is not so much advice from us as much as a space where you can write down what you are thinking and gradually see your own way forward. None of us are there, making these difficult decisions. Only you know the people involved.
My only suggestion would be to actually go the next step and actually talk this through with a trained counsellor who can best help you come to an understanding of where you are and what you really want.
Meantime I am encouraging you to use this forum as a space to think through the issues.
You have a lot to think through! :hug::hug::hug: to you.December 27, 2009 at 10:09 am #448540
Thank you earthmotherwithin. I do feel better for having written it out and hitting ‘post’ where usually I’d withdraw it all. Somehow having it sitting up here makes it more real.
All I know is I have to do something, and what I’ve been doing hasn’t worked.
Thank you for listening. :kiss:December 27, 2009 at 10:13 am #448541goldstoneMember
Chooken, love and hugs sent to you. :hug::hug::hug:December 27, 2009 at 11:19 am #448542beccaMember
Sweetie, BIG HUG… this is a decision which can’t be taken lightly, and it’s obvious you’re not. There are so many people to consider here, and I agree with EMW that it might be a good idea to talk it through with someone in person (ie a counsellor – who can be objective)
FWIW I would find it hard to leave a child behind and take one with me, but as you say, the resources are there for your little girl, and it’s not forever; from my (really, very limited) experience with children with autism, trying to keep routine is really important for them, and that might be a bit more possible if she stays with her dad to start with. I don’t know. Sorry. That just seems like a really difficult thing to have to decide.
Also, is there any chance at all of reconciliation/mediation/family therapy? I’m just asking that, obviously I really don’t know the whole story and I’m certainly not advocating staying in a woefully and desperately unhappy situation. Just wondering if this is something your husband might go for if he sees his family separating :shrug:
I can’t imagine how this is consuming everything for you right now. You will get through it, though. :hug:December 27, 2009 at 12:06 pm #448543
Thanks for the help. I’m feeling reasonably clear (with cloudy moments). Unfortunately he disagrees with counselling, but it’s really useful to be reminded that it’s a path I could try to go down again.
I’m sure these are common problems. But it’s nice to have some outside input. It helps me think.
cheersDecember 27, 2009 at 12:27 pm #448544GiannaMember
I’m really sorry Chooken. You must have been through hell to get to this point and that is really sad. Sending love & hugs and hope everything turns out well for you. :hug:December 27, 2009 at 8:31 pm #448545baringaparkMember
:hug: All the best; I have nothing but :hug: :hug: :hug: sDecember 27, 2009 at 8:54 pm #448546fluffy chookMember
Biggest :hug: s for you.. Writing it all down can help you to see things more clearly…you sound like a very strong lady…I’m sure you”ll get there:tup:..all the best:hug::hug::hug:December 27, 2009 at 9:19 pm #448547luvinMember
:hug::hug::hug::hug:December 27, 2009 at 10:01 pm #448548ccBearMember
Make sure you go to social security and talk about it. Make sure they know your side of the story even if you have to ask for some counseling to assist you through the trauma Take what allowances you can as well.
You did not mention if he works, be careful that he does not hit you for support when you do have a full time job as he will be considered the hero for staying home and looking after the daughter while you have abandon her.
Hard words but needed , Take care and good luck.December 27, 2009 at 10:05 pm #448549AnjaMember
I can’t imagine what you must be going through so have no advice except to agree that you must go and talk to someone. Even if it’s on your own.
:hug::hug::hug::hug:December 27, 2009 at 11:08 pm #448550JeanieMember
Dear Chooken :hug:its a hard and scary decision to be making, being through it myself years ago and I had 5 children youve had some great advice ,whatever you choose to do I support you and wish the best outcome for all:hug:December 27, 2009 at 11:16 pm #448551Moon SphinxMember
Chooken, it sounds as though you have it sorted out, as much as you can for the moment, anyhow. You will always know the right thing to do. Listen to your gut; listen to your heart.
Much love to you. :hug:December 27, 2009 at 11:31 pm #448552
Thanks everyone, very kind and helpful.
Having thought deeper I think I’ll move somewhere close and come to a part-share arrangement over our daughter, but my son will stay with me fulltime. I appreciate all the suggestions. They’ve helped me see a few new perspectives (and particularly to rethink the abandonment issue, at least to a degree).
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