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I have an ethical dilemma..

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  • #249110
    LollyLolly
    Keymaster

    Hi guys… I have a bit of a problem, and I’d like to hear your thoughts about it.. 

    My ex-husband and I have been divorced now for almost 8 years. We have terrible communication problems and have in the past ended up in court. This prevented me from moving to our property in Ararat (Frog Song Farm, aka FSF) a few years ago, which wasn’t very pleasant at the time.

    Things settled for a while but our girls, 17, 16 and 9 have always found him to be a difficult person to cope with as he is very autocratic in his manner, ie do as I say not what I do. Back in February when the girls were staying with him and Ray and I were at FSF we got a phone call from them. They were so incoherent that it took 3 calls to get the full story of what was happening. My ex and his partner had ended up having a huge fight with his parents and it had come to shoves etc. The elder girls were distraught and ended up leaving with their grandparents and going home with them. They have never been back to their father’s, and he hasn’t really done much to entice them. He certainly took no responsibility for his actions and has blamed his parents for the incident the whole time. In reality, laying blame is irrelevant because the damage has already been done! He is angry with me though because I’ve never forced them to go back and I’ve helped them to maintain a relationship with their grandparents.

    Anyway, Friday week ago I mentioned to him that finances are getting VERY tight now that I have the kids at home full time and that I was going to contact Child Support for some advice as to what to do now that he’s not having them. I was trying to be dignified about it so that he wouldn’t get a shock when he got a phone call or letter unexpectedly. Things have been so ugly between us in the past that I wanted to try to avoid it this time. I shouldn’t have bothered. He got really angry and started to abuse me so I left.

    Last Wednesday he came up to where I live and tried to take our youngest out of school for some ridiculous reason, which I was able to prevent him from doing by enforcing court orders, but it was rather upsetting. Friday I received a letter in the mail stating that I have to go to a mediation session as a precursor to perhaps going back to court.

    My dilemma is this – do I try to go it alone again and hope that this time around someone actually sees through his bulls**t, or do I enlist the assistance of his parents who have a lot of information that would be of great help to me, knowing that in doing that I am pouring kerosene on the fire and absolutely eliminating any hope of us ever having a decent relationship in the future??

    Sorry for the long post..

    #424591
    TullymoorTullymoor
    Member

    The second one LollLolls, use the parents for all they’re worth. :tup:

    The STW will never, ever change :@

    #424592
    KirstyKirsty
    Member

    Oh Lolly :hug::hug:

    I would also suggest the second but I have know experience in things like this. Well except when I was a kid and my folks went through similar things.

    I hope things, which ever way you go, work out for the best:kiss:

    #424593

    :hug::hug: Sorry things are this bad, i hope things look up soon and go ahead with CS ASAP:hug:

    Sorry to be blunt hun but you and your children are better off without him in your lifes.

    Dont tell him what you dont need to otherwise he can stone wall you when you try to do those things.

    Suprise is the best way.

    FWIW, I am in a position of your children, i was them but verry young.

    I was better off without my father.

    Put a “fence” around you and your children and protect yourselfs first, no being “nice” cos i can gaurentee he will use you till the cows come home and it wont help you or the children in the long run.

    I really hope i didnt offend you, i didnt wanna upset you and i stink at wording things :shy: So my apolagies if i offended.:hug:

    #424594
    Hummer HumbugHummer
    Keymaster

    God I hate this kind of conflict, its so damaging to you emotionally :hug:

    But if you have to go through with it Lols, hit him with everything you can :awch:

    #424595
    darlsdarls
    Member

    :hug:

    What do you want from all this? And have you asked your girls what they need from all this?

    You’d know by now that you cannot change anyone else their behaviours, just your own. So do what you need to change and go with it.

    I was in a similar situation however I’ve already left home by then, but my sisters had to dealt with it themselves and now doesn’t see dad anymore – we’ re all much older and learnt to be tolerant around him if it occurs as he won’t change.

    Sometimes being nice won’t get you anywhere when it concerns your loved ones and needs for all.

    Hope all will sort out sooner and you gain what you need and that all ends well as can be in the circumstances.

    Cheers! :hug:

    #424596
    MichPMichP
    Member

    It sounds like the chances of having an amicable relationship with him are pretty slim. I would probably talk with his parents and guage their willingness first. Then let him know that you would prefer not to go that course of action and possibly damage what vestiges of a relationship that you have but if he forces your hand you will, then leave it up to him whether he follows through.

    #424597
    AndreAndre
    Keymaster

    I’ll pick door #2!

    Your kids are the most important thing of all.

    If his parent’s are willing to go through with it, then by all means, hit him with both barrels where it hurts. (hip pocket 😉 )

    From what you say, he will blame you and anyone else, regardless of how ‘amicable’ you might try to be. Any issues about his parents doing their bit is between them and him.

    .. it’s times like this I can understand why some animals eat their young … (a bit dark.. sorry :awch: )

    #424598
    AnjaAnja
    Member

    Oh Lolly, what a horrible situation. As much as I want to say ‘get him, get him bad’ you have to decide what is best for the kids. If they are better off without him, then go for it! I know mine are better off without their grandmother so I do understand a little.

    #424599
    MuzzyMuzzy
    Member

    All I can offer is the hugest hug sorry :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:This is a hard one.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

    #424600
    narellehnarelleh
    Member

    Ditto all of the above Lolly:hug::hug::hug::hug:

    Ask the girls what they want

    Check what age they can express their own choice in court as to parent access (sometimes in extreme cases the age can be lowered)

    When appealling to the grandies – leave yourself and your relationship with the ex out of it – only talk about how not having all this dramas, violence and stress in the girls lives can only be better for them

    :hug::hug::hug::hug: for you and your girls

    love n light lolly

    #424601
    FatimaFatima
    Participant

    Oh Lolly, I’m so sorry you are going through this.:hug::hug::hug: It was worth trying to deal with it in a nice way. It’s what I would have done too. It’s unfortunate that he is the way he is. I would go for choice 2 aswell. Your kids are the most important people in this. I hope it all works out for you. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

    #424602
    ali_celtali_celt
    Member

    I have to say choice 2 as well.

    In our own situation we have long decided that we weren’t going to bother dobbing the ex in for all the rorting of the CSA system that he did. Because we didn’t want our son to think that it was all about money.

    However, I honestly believe this has come back to bite us at this point – because it has shown the lad that there AREN”T consequences for evading responsibility.

    I know that you have a whole swag of other issues more than just the CSA one – that’s just my bit on that part.

    some people need to be taught how to behave even as adults. And when their behaviour is endangering the emotional and mental health of your children – or even has the potential to! – you need to pull out every thing you’ve got to stop that behaviour.

    Your relationship with your ex is over and while it would be nice to be amicable, your relationship with your children is eternal, and I think it would be best at this point to decide which is the more important. They might well blame you in a future teenage tantrum for not allowing him to see them – but as adults, if they blame you for allowing him to scar them emotional that will have a more devastating effect.

    Ali

    PS scuse if I sound like i’m giving orders, or even if I’m off on a tangent – I’m not quite all here tonight

    #424603
    BobbeeBobbee
    Member

    I am so sorry Lolly. All I can offer is for you to do what is best for the girls.

    :hug::hug::hug:

    #424604
    bellabella
    Member

    :kiss: Best wishes with your choice, Lolly. All you can do is continue as you have always done – do the best for your girls. You can speak with the grandparents about it, you don’t have to follow through if it doesn’t seem right from there…

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