May 25, 2012 at 3:31 pm #256988
Okay, it’s cold and soggy in the hills today so that isn’t inspiring at the best of times. I’m just feeling like I’m not achieving much lately.
My FIL passed away at Easter, and unfortunately this triggered a depressive episode for Hubby which has put him in hospital the last week and a half. I’ve been flat out at work with a major project and feeling guilty that I haven’t had the time to spend with Hubby or his Mum.
My tomatoes and basil are well and truly finished, the only edible thing growing is my oregano plant. I’ve planted nothing else. The house is a mess and full of stuff that Hubby hasn’t got around to putting away in his shed or that I haven’t put away because I’ve got home late. We had some major work done to the garden (retaining walls) earlier in the year for which the labour costs blew out by a few grand.
So I sit here with the wood heater going (cats hogging it of course), a curry bubbling away in the slow cooker, and trying to put everything in perspective and tell myself that I’m still doing ok. Still employed, still in good health myself even if my loved ones aren’t, still able to rebuild our savings slowly.May 25, 2012 at 3:45 pm #524404BobbeeMember
Hey Rommie you ARE still doing ok. You are feeling low because life has done it’s
thing and given you a kick or two. :hug: :hug: :hug:
It’s really good to get it off your chest so you have done the right thing for yourself
by posting on here. It is often mentioned that als is our online family and we can vent
(talk about troubles and joys etc) to relieve stress and heart-ache as much as we need.
There is always support available, just yell for help. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Stop feeling guilty, you are not a machine and each of us can only do what we are able
to do at any one time. Your loved ones know you love them. And you also need to love yourself
and take care of yourself.
You can always talk to your MIL on the phone if you can’t visit her. Your husband is getting the
care he needs right now. The garden will grow again whenever you get the chance to hang loose and
get your hands into the dirt again. Again the house will be tidied sometime when you can manage it.
The world won’t come to an end because of a messy house. And yes, finances can be slowly rebuilt.
“THIS TOO SHALL PASS” Rommie. Enjoy your wood heater, your cats and your curry and try to relax.
You are doing great my dear.
Love and Light,
Bobbs :hug: :hug: :hug:May 25, 2012 at 4:57 pm #524405BlueWrenMember
Bobbee’s so right Rommie.Lots of :hug: :hug: :hug: to you.May 25, 2012 at 5:56 pm #524406EdiediohMember
Do you get emails of “the word for today”? Today it’s all about gratitude and being able to “give thanks in all circumstances.”
I think it was written just for you and your husband today!!!May 25, 2012 at 6:26 pm #524407SteveKeymaster
Rommie, Bobbs has said it all. It sounds like your fuel tank might be running on fumes at the moment. You need some things just for you now. Be selfish and spend a few minutes or a few hours or a day here and there and spend it on Rommie. Cause you need to refuel that tank of yours… 🙂
Without some time for you, you won’t be able to help those you love. Not indefinitely anyway. I found this out the hard way and I ended up making some stupid decisions that only made things worse. For me and for the people around me.
As far as achieving things, I bet if you made a list of all you have done recently, you’d be amazed.
Hugs mate. The sun will shine again… 🙂May 25, 2012 at 8:56 pm #524408AndreKeymaster
Ditto to all that has previously been said here!
Cold wet weather can always bring one’s spirits down too ….
Everyone is different when losing a loved-one/parent (I lost three in 6 months – Mum Dad and Step-father 🙁 )
When my wife lost her mum – 14 years ago – she became depressed (exacerbated by other things as well) .. but she is coping.. and life goes on.
But this is not about me/us, only to say that $#!t happens, and for better or worse, we need to move on and keep our spirits up. Depending on ones character, this might be easier said than done …
It happens, Rommie, and it’s great that you talk about it.
I hope your DH talks about it too.
Always feel free to vent in here 🙂May 26, 2012 at 1:20 am #524409
Aaaaand I just had a phone call from one of my oldest and closest friends, informing me that her mother has been diagnosed with cancer 🙁
Thanks guys – I needed a good think and a bloody good cry and I guess today’s inactivity was proof that I have been juggling a lot.
I think also that between my work and worrying about how Hubby will cope with his father’s passing (not that I don’t care about his Mum, but she has a broader support network than Hubby), I’ve left out my own grieving for FIL. I lost my father under similar circumstances over seven years ago (cancer, though a different kind) and watching FIL deteriorate brought back a lot of unhappy memories.
If I accentuate the positive, what has happened in the last six months?
[li]we’ve had solar power installed[/li]
[li]new sun-blocking blinds to keep things cooler in summer[/li]
[li]the retaining walls, though costing a packet, look great and although everything’s looking bare, it will be a new garden in spring[/li]
[li]I am learning new things at work – a whole new suite of software and tools, a new way of working – a new set of skills![/li]
[li]I have also moved to a new location at work which has not turned out to be as inconvenient as I first feared (and they have machines that make great hot chocolate 😉 )[/li]
And Hubby gets day leave tomorrow! 🙂May 26, 2012 at 1:46 am #524410SteveKeymaster
Take care Rommie. Thinking of you… :hug:May 26, 2012 at 1:51 am #524411BlueWrenMember
More :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: for you Rommie. Your positive list is great.All the best for tomorrow.May 26, 2012 at 3:45 am #524412mistyhollowsMember
:hug: Rommie. My dad passed away last August so I know how you feel. It is so hard to get back into things at home, in the yard and life in general. It took me months before I felt like doing anything and if you need to sit by a fire, smell the curry and have a cat on your lap DO IT!! Your DH is in the best place for him right now and you need to take time out for yourself to heal while he is getting help as he will also need you when he gets home. I’m thinking that if your FIL passed away over Easter and DH has only been in hospital for a week and a half now that you have had a very rough last couple of months. Take time out to smell the curry 😉 .
Keep up with the positive list and remember that it doesn’t matter about the house and yard. It will all still be there when you feel like dealing with it and like others have said finances can be rebuilt and you will get there. :hug: :hug: :hug:May 26, 2012 at 7:21 am #524413trandtoMember
Hope you can solider on. I suffered depression after the Death of my Father, lead to my divorce
I am not trying to be mean or anything, just what has worked for me, every time I think I lack perspective I look out the front door here in Cambodia …. come over here to Cambodia with us…. no one is Aus will ever feel hard done by again….May 26, 2012 at 11:27 am #524414
trandto, I’ve seen your Cambodia photos on the other thread and you’re right, it does put things in perspective! (I’ve been to India and Indonesia and encountered similar disparities in how people live).May 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm #524415mauziMember
Hi Rommie, I think everyone has said it all, so just wanting to say hi, and thinking of you as well as sending a few hugs your way. :hug: :hug:
Grief is a strange thing, I lost my dad just over a year ago and I also took at least 6 months to feel normal. A FIL is still part of your family as well and I think people forget that. My DH was very close to my Dad for more than 25 years and it affected him a great deal as well, so look after yourself and as Steve and others have said, take some time out for you as well.
Best wishes for DH as well. I found it helpful to talk to others who had lost parents and loved ones as their is an empathy that is very hard to explain when you have experienced such a loss. It helped me to see that what I was experiences was very “normal” after a loss and therefore I did not feel alone or judge myself for how I was feeling which did include depression as well. Maybe might help DH and yourself to talk to others who have been down the same path, I know there are a few of us here on ALS who have lost loved ones recently. I can relate to how it bought up memories of your Dad as well. When Dad died I had a double wammy as Mum had died 2 years earlier and the combination was pretty devastating so I am sure if you or DH ever want to talk about these things there are a few of us to PM or maybe on a specific thread.May 27, 2012 at 3:02 pm #524416RobyneMember
Wish you all the best it does get better as time goes on :kiss:
Ask locally maybe the hospital has a group for the family to go and talk to. Our local hospital has and it was a great help when my sister was alive. Even through I live in SA and she was in Vic.
She has been gone nearly 6 years now and the other day I mentioned to my son how much I miss my drive to Ballarat for a week or two, of Opshopping and just buming around resting doing not much.
My mum went quickly as did both In laws. my dad took about 5 years to go he had coal miners diseaseMay 31, 2012 at 5:07 pm #524417luciatasmanMember
Hi Rommie I’m a brand newbie to this site. (I’m still trying to navigate it, having never been on a forum site before, so I hope you get this. This is my second try as it timed out before!!) :shrug:
I know exactly how you feel :hug:
I also in the last couple of years lost not only 1 but several ppl close to me. My mother, father,BIL and then older brother! Most to cancer.I now also
have a close family friend dying with cancer 🙁
Ditto to all that has already been said. It is normal to feel flat – we all grieve in different ways. I didn’t feel good for a long while,but what helped me was reading a chapter from Ian Gawlers book on cancer re death. He points out that in our society we place too much emphasis on death as being a sad and depressing occasion instead we should look at it as another phase of life where we most possibly move onto something better.
I tend to agree as it is sad to lose someone as we will miss them, but we can also be happy for them as they can move onto something much better after life?
Just remember that it takes time to heal and you and your husband will feel better in time. Hang in there! :hug: :hug:
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