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Advice From A Domestic Goddess, part 8, The Great Blairgowrie Standoff!

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 45 total)
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  • #524312
    porgey
    Member

    “Looks Like This Ones Getting A Little Rough” (JC/HC, circa 1989)

    Thanks for your interest in this thread and a rather protracted and ongoing saga. I can say with utmost certainty that my uninsulated shed is bloody freezing but I am kept busy trying to block up all the draft holes, stoke up the Coonara and pat the pooch. I am not sure if Queenie and I are legally seperated but I am certainly not welcome in the house when she is about. Sad but true. Whilst I thought at the many times we had verbal biffos that our relationship was over we always bounced back and continued on our gritty path together.

    I am glad to say that whilst I took a beating for loading up my credit card with a $3000 thicknesser the purchase has paid off. I have made some nice furniture (well I think anyway) which I have been able to sell, use up a lot of the old timber, make some cabbage and clean up the back garden. Even Queenie and her swarm were surprised at how good they where so I thought things were looking good. However, one of the great challenges of modern life is the work-life balance and managing all the stresses that go with it. I cope okay but Queenies promotion has given her greater status and pay in her job but at the same time much more responsibility and stress. Of course that stress has to be released some how and like usual I am the whipping boy. The last straw came the other night when she had to go to a small work party at a work collegues house.

    Everything was fine until one of the children in the hosts house got sick so she was asked to host it. Whilst that was fine with me Queenies stress bucket began to overflow. Recognising this some of her work collegues and I spent lots of time cleaning, preparing and cooking up a storm so Queenie could be the “hostess with the mostess” and keep her boss and other guests happy. I actually really enjoyed the time and got on well with her work mates who I didn’t really now. We laughed our way through the clean and discussed things that I could do to get Queenie to lighten up and enjoy the party. Great idea but as it turned out poorly executed by moi.

    With a couple of hours to go before the guests arrived Queenie had tried on about 10 different outfits and was a swirl of stress the poor thing. Her work mates, Jan, Mike and Sarah, arrived early to help put the finishing touches on things, have a few drinks and ease the squeeze. We all relaxed and a bit and began to laugh and chew the fat. Things seemed great so I thought I would take to dressing up fancy dress style and take all the pressure off. Thats when I took things a tad to far.

    Picture Robin Williams in Mrs Doubtfire getting dressed up and thats about the lengths I went. Far to much some would say but I am still laughing at my absurdity as I track down and plug another drafty hole in my shed, pat the pooch and scheme up ways I can get back into the good books.

    With her boss and other guests about to arrive Queenie was finally dressed and trying to chill with the reassuring words of her work mates and a few drinks. As her fellow journos stepped onto one end of the verandah and walked towards the front door I stepped on to the other end fully dressed in my full “sink or swim” regalia. Having past the point of no return and giggling far to much to myself the cacophony of footsteps approached each other about the same time as Queenie opened the front door. Well all the jawdrop emoticons in cyber space could not represent even a whisker of the look on Queenies face and the abject horror that she must of felt as she first saw me then her boss and co. No one really knew what to say or do as poor old Queenie was viced between her rather serious looking boss (Man of Words, Man of Money, Man of Status) and her life partner (Nerves of Steel, Body of Iron, Brain of Stone). So with a mix of hyper adrenalin and boyish stupidity I stuck out my hand, introduced my self as part John Candy, part Harry Crumb, part Deszu Djizlas and disappeared into the night laughing until I could go no further. :laugh:

    Go here for the explanation. http://www.youtube. com/watch?v=UM6-VeQ-KPk I am having trouble getting this to post so google the film Who’s Harry Crumb and watch the 2 minute and 13 second youtube trailer.

    #524313
    Bobbee
    Member

    Porgy you will be the death of one of we alsers one day! :jawdrop: :jawdrop: We’ll have a heart attack from so much laughing. :woohoo:

    I so wish I knew how much of what you write is fiction and how much, if any, is fact. :shrug: :laugh: :laugh:

    You are a marvellous comic writer and, as others have said previously, you really should get yourself published and make some cabbage that way. :woohoo:

    :hug: :hug: :hug:

    #524314
    BlueWren
    Member

    Oh Porgey,Porgey! :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

    I do feel a twinge sorry for Queenie over that one……………….

    #524315
    Airgead
    Member

    When she finally snaps and kills you…. can I have your thicknesser?

    Cheers

    Dave

    #524316
    calliecat
    Member

    Airgead post=345307 wrote: When she finally snaps and kills you…. can I have your thicknesser?

    Cheers

    Dave

    :laugh: :laugh: anything else he’s got that we can call dibs on πŸ˜›

    #524317
    Gumnut
    Member

    Time for some kiss and make up Porgey lest you freeze to death in the shed!! :kiss:

    Would suggest you arrange for that over paid designer to come round pronto. Make sure you’re there to do the necessary introduction: “Queenie, this is Flavio and his flaming pink flamingoes. He did _______ (insert whoever’s style she idolises) house. This is my, I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you and didn’t mean to embarass you or make light of your career just lighten the atmosphere gift.”

    #524318
    mauzi
    Member

    OMG Porgey, I nearly wet myself laughing….a very good remedy for a stressful weak. :clap:

    #524319
    Andre
    Member

    If not already .. you will go to far one day.

    When that fateful day emerges .. just as the axe is in it’s final arc .. ask quietly:

    “Who is going to look after pooch?”

    No doubt that will quell her blood-lust.

    :whistle:

    #524320
    Andre
    Member

    And …. where are the pics of the ‘Gainsborough’ furniture you created?? hmm?!

    #524321
    Hummer
    Member

    Airgead post=345307 wrote: When she finally snaps and kills you…. can I have your thicknesser?

    Cheers

    Dave

    Hahahahaha!

    Yep porg’s.. you are your own worst enemy.. but it makes for funny reading :tup:

    #524322
    bluezbandit
    Member

    The Bearded Wonder and I are laughing madly over this latest epistle. Ooooooooo, you are a naughty boy!

    #524323
    penny
    Member

    Porgey, unlike other more avaricious ASLs may I offer a bit of advise about getting on the good side of Queenie.

    1.tell her how much you love her.

    2 explain that you are an idiot and don’t deserve her.( not true but expedient)

    3 Take g her to dinner at a nice place and give her flowers.

    Works every time, trust me!!!

    :wave:

    #524324
    porgey
    Member

    Thanks for all of your replies. I do tend to harp on a bit but whilst the acorn of truth has grown into a giant tree with an expansive foliage of fiction remember one thing in life; “you gotta laugh”

    I am not sure about published comic writing but maybe titles something like “How to be a Loving Idiot” – A practical guide to supporting your better half, love, stupidity and being a meathead? Or “Dont Burn Your Crumpet” – A fools guide to maximising your stupidity and still getting the occasional shag? Or “Rooting in an Era of Stupidity” – Love, Life and how to be a Stud Moron? Or “An Idiots Guide to Choosing a Love Song” – Why Monty Pythons ‘Sit On My Face and Tell Me that You Love Me’ is never an appropriate make up song? Or “Love & Lust in the Bogan Era” – A Simpletons Guide in How to mix Stupidity and Flannel in the Bedroom? Or “Promoting & Maintaining Instinctual Pleasures in the Modern Working Women” – An Idiots Guide to Stoking the Fire and Still Waking Up Next To Your Sheila? Or “Thoracic Hair” – A Bogans Guide to Shaving Your Back Without Leaving An Island of Fluff? (This has absolutely no relevance to me as my back is hair free, thankfully). Or “The DNA of a Half Wit” – The modern Neanderthal, he might be a few DNA strands short of a gene but he can still laugh? Or “Why Your Sheila Is Always Right (In Winter)” – A Cretins Guide to Keeping Warm and out of the Shed in the Cooler Months. Or “Why My Parents Should Not Have Had Sex” – Porgey’ Guide To A Smarter Planet? Not sure, any suggestions? πŸ™‚

    #524325
    penny
    Member

    Just keep going mate, and letting us know what is happening. Your stories give us a good laugh!

    #524326
    BlueWren
    Member

    ……but Queenie is a journo ……..maybe she could get your foot (crushed?) in the literary door ? …….. :shrug: I wonder if she knows what talent you are hiding……… :laugh:

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 45 total)
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